Who Will Be The Next James Bond ? I’ve put together some player profiles factoring in several pros and cons. Sign up to the Newsletter (updated every week) to get the latest.
PROS: A UK-based plastic surgeon named Page the most handsome man in the world because his face is said to be in near-perfect alignment with the Greek “golden ratio.” Bond fans will undoubtedly coin Page as “The Man with the Golden Face“. TMWTGF for short.
CONS: Unfortunately due to the perfect symmetry of Page’s face, he is unable to sufficiently raise a singular eyebrow. Therefore, any Bond fans craving a ‘Roger Moore-esq eyebrow raise’ will be sorely disappointed.
PROS: Aaron Taylor-Johnson was named one of GQ‘s 50 best dressed British men in 2015.
CONS: That same glib listicle by GQ featured Prince George (aged two at the time) ahead of Aaron in 2nd place. In case you needed any further proof that GQ listicles are above all else bunkum, flim-flam, & bullsh*t.
PROS: Craig has a cracking new hair do. We all know how good it feels to get a new hair cut & DC will no doubt bring that ‘big hair energy’ to the set for Bond26.
CONS: DC’s great hair day could be a false dawn. We all know what it’s like to have model hair one day, then look like Roger after he spills out of the centrifuge trainer the next. Waiting for DC to replicate his great hair day could seriously delay production schedules.
PROS: In Labour’s 2023 mandate Keir Starmer has promised that if he becomes Bond he will prioritise fixing the poor sound quality for James Bond premieres at the Royal Albert Hall.
CONS: Starmer could be spreading himself too thin. He told Bond Nuts Weekly: “Sure my diary will be a bit chocka, especially if I become both Bond and Britain’s PM, but think of the upside! I can get Joe Biden to do a cameo & thank me personally for saving the world.”
PROS: Knows the source material having played Fleming in Fleming the TV mini-series.
CONS: According to Physicist Brian Cox, playing both Bond & Fleming could result in a rupture of the space-time continuum. ‘We got lucky with Maud & Joe Don Baker coming back for different roles.’ Said the former D-Ream keyboardist. ‘If Cooper is both Fleming & Bond we could all implode on a molecular level.’
PROS: Jude is as English as HP sauce & knows ballet after learning ballet dancing for the film A.I. Artificial Intelligence.
CONS: HP sauce is made in the Netherlands and Bond would look a pratt in a tutu.
PROS: After Daniel Craig flew the flag for a blonde Bond, Jude could easily follow in Craig’s footsteps with his blonde lock. (Singular).
CONS: Editor of Bond Nuts Weekly, Fatima Swallows told The Guardian, ‘Yes Jude does have a terrific blonde lock (singular), sadly it’s mousey-blonde, the wrong shade of blonde for Bond. Fleming would turn in his grave should an actor with the wrong shade of blonde land the part of Bond.’
PROS: Hardy went to drama school in Richmond. Which makes him more qualified than Lazenby for starters.
CONS: According to the job criteria in the advert ‘Wanna Be Bond?’ that Babs Broccoli posted on LinkedIn, it reads ‘actors wanting to be Bond must be a Brown Belt or above in Brazilian jiu-jitsu.‘ Unfortunately, Hardy only has a Purple belt and so his application would be instantly discarded.